Posts tagged marriage
Please say excuse me…
Feb 5th
Every time, my wife gets mad. And it is usually followed by an elbow to the ribs or that, “I’m going to kick you in the_____” look, that wives give. Husbands, you know the one. Every time. Every single time I fart. What is wrong with farting? If I din’t, the gas would just come out the other end and that would cause a smelly burp. Isn’t a smelly fart less gross than a smelly burp? My body is just doing its intended job, right?
So why do you keep telling me to say, “Excuse me.” after I fart? That makes no sense.
If I am walking down the street and I bump into somebody, I understand that I should say, excuse me. That contact could effect the rest of this persons day. They could have been thrown off course. Orange juice could have been spilled like the scene with Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant in the movie Notting Hill. In these situations an “excuse me” is rightly necessary.
But seriously, what is my fart going to do to your day? Yes, there may be an unpleasant odor. Yes, the tone and clarity of the sound made, may be unusual. But does my fart really affect you? I don’t think it does, therefore it does not deserve an “excuse me.” Think about it, my fart might last .9526 seconds, well maybe longer than that but you get the idea, they’re short no matter how you look at it. How is this quick burst of gas going to change your day?
And I got an excuse. Protein. I’m a man. I like fire. I like meat. The combination of these three create the potential for gas. Not to mention the beer, pizza, bacon, and chili sides. It’s a scientific fact. Blame God, not me.
In conclusion, unless my fart causes you to pass out, wreck a car, make you cry, induce vomiting, go into labor, cuss like a sailor, send me to etiquette school, or makes myself gag, I probably will forget to say, “Excuse me.”
Use Somebody
Mar 11th
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRgFeZa_I48]
When the time changes, I am reminded of what is was like without my wife. About 8 or 9 years ago (I am going to be in trouble for not knowing) I began to pursue this girl. Fortunatley, I talked her into spending the rest of her life with me. This song reminds me of those days. The days when all I could do was dream and hope she would pay attention to me. Ask her, I put on the charm. I was smooth. Sorry I was such a big let down Stephanie. I had to use my best stuff back then. We still argue about where our first kiss took place. It was a good kiss. Thanks for letting me use you. I know that sounds dirty but you know what I mean!
Technology Improves Marriage
Feb 20th
Recognize this? If you do, try this the next time that nothing turns into a something.
Yesterday my wife and I had an argument. Don’t act like you married people are civil constantly. I was brave when I chose my mate. I didn’t want a timid companion. So, I got lucky and found a gal who can kick my ass. She is passionate and wont back down from what she believes in.
Well our argument took place via email. I must say, I will try to arrange all of our future arguments to take place in this format. Think about it. If your like me, I can’t type as fast as can speak, much less think. You can’t raise your voice unless you count CAPITALIZING your letters. The delay between the emails allows you to stop and rationalize both viewpoints. It’s a win win for everyone.
Pretty Cute for Two Ugly People
Feb 19th
If I told you these two people were married, you probably would come up with reasons why they should not be. Whether it be because they are black and white. Because she is taller than him. Because their kids would look funny. Because people will always stare at them. I guarantee you laughed, smiled, or at least raised an eyebrow.
Everyone who is married or has ever been married believes they have the best advice for those who are about to take the plunge. I have only been married for about 6 years. I don’t have any advice to offer but simply to “hang on.” Marriage can be tough. The first year was the hardest for us. We dated for 2 years before we said “I do.” The pre-marriage was incredible. Literally, the first time I saw her I knew she was the one! I didn’t even talk to her until 4 months after that moment. I was scared. She was hotter, smarter, funnier, and more ambitious than any other girl I had dated.
Then we put on those rings and instantly things changed. That’s the part I didn’t realize was going to happen. Nobody told us that things would change. We changed into one person with two very different bodies, minds, and agendas. Now, we have become acquainted to one another. Life is Good. I would probably jump out of a plane without a chute if she left me. I really don’t think I could make it without her. I don’t care if you think I should “man up.” She IS my other half. And until we both realized that we were one, our marriage wasn’t as strong as it should be. Marriage is a mystery…?
Two young kids are asking me to hitch them. I was their youth pastor. And frankly, at first I was flattered but then I thought “are you sure?” Not sure about me marrying them but sure about getting married itself. I have been thinking about what I would advise them. I ran across this and was blown away.
I found this insanely great piece of advice here.
I wish somebody would have told us this!
