(PHOTO from JRyle79)

Every time, my wife gets mad. And it is usually followed by an elbow to the ribs or that, “I’m going to kick you in the_____” look, that wives give. Husbands, you know the one. Every time. Every single time I fart. What is wrong with farting? If I din’t, the gas would just come out the other end and that would cause a smelly burp. Isn’t a smelly fart less gross than a smelly burp? My body is just doing its intended job, right?

So why do you keep telling me to say, “Excuse me.” after I fart? That makes no sense.

If I am walking down the street and I bump into somebody, I understand that I should say, excuse me. That contact could effect the rest of this persons day. They could have been thrown off course. Orange juice could have been spilled like the scene with Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant in the movie Notting Hill. In these situations an “excuse me” is rightly necessary.

But seriously, what is my fart going to do to your day? Yes, there may be an unpleasant odor. Yes, the tone and clarity of the sound made, may be unusual. But does my fart really affect you? I don’t think it does, therefore it does not deserve an “excuse me.” Think about it, my fart might last .9526 seconds, well maybe longer than that but you get the idea, they’re short no matter how you look at it. How is this quick burst of gas going to change your day?

And I got an excuse. Protein. I’m a man. I like fire. I like meat. The combination of these three create the potential for gas. Not to mention the beer, pizza, bacon, and chili sides. It’s a scientific fact. Blame God, not me.

In conclusion, unless my fart causes you to pass out, wreck a car, make you cry, induce vomiting, go into labor, cuss like a sailor, send me to etiquette school, or makes myself gag, I probably will forget to say, “Excuse me.”